I received an email today. It informed me that an essay I wrote for my World of Ideas class on December 16, 2011 had won first place in a Superior Student Writing contest for the Department of Literature and Languages. ...What? I never even submitted this paper to any such contest. I mean, I definitely formed a great connection with my professor, George Savage, throughout that semester, and he did say that this essay made an impact on him. I suppose he must have submitted it in my name. Or maybe this whole contest is built on faculty submissions. Either way, I'm honored. :) After reading the email, I quickly found the paper in my archives. I want to share it here.
Life as a Sine Wave (Whoa, Kowabunga, Dude!)
Throughout the 2011 fall semester, the topic most central to our World of Ideas course has been meaning. In every work, novel, and ideology we have examined, we always asked the question, “how does this work help explain the why’s in our lives?” With some works, the intended meaning was very overt (e.g. the Book of Job), whereas it may have been less clear with other works (e.g. Darkness At Noon). For me personally, I found that my philosophy on life was most supported by studying the loud and vibrant Existentialist ideas and most challenged by the peaceful and detached Buddhist readings.
Existentialism is a philosophy of empowerment and subjectivity. It reminds us that, primarily, man exists before he ever is anything. To quote Sartre, “Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself”, meaning that we are all free to define and re-define ourselves (to change or even cast away those labels which society clings to) at any moment. We are freely and solely responsible for our own choices and actions, for at any time, we can always reject the scenario we’re in. I find comfort in Existentialism because it is one that makes me see how I am in control of my own life. Two core values highly important to me are Individuality and The Exclamation Point. I believe in the individual. You are you; do not seek to conform to familial or societal pressures, exist instead to fulfill your own unique, individual destiny and express your particular personality. Existentialism wholly supports this value, for it does away with labeling humans by their roles or occupations. Existentialism reminds us that we are more than simply the sum of our labels; we are unique human beings who can do anything we want. That is the type of individuality I seek to promote. Furthermore, in times of monotony or angst, I feel Existentialism serves as a reminder of The Exclamation Point I hold so dear. I had a very personal experience with this issue this semester, but since it relates directly to Buddhism, the telling of the story can wait until later in this paper.
Buddhism, on the other hand, certainly was the biggest challenge to my understanding of the universe this semester. Before we begin, allow me to define exactly what I mean by challenged. I do not mean Buddhism challenged my worldview in the sense that I disagreed with its precepts or found them upsetting (quite the contrary); instead, I mean that Buddhism was the topic I grappled directly with the most this semester. Existentialism confirmed my worldview, but a confirmation is simply a support; it’s easy, it’s comfortable, it’s like finding evidence to support your own biases. Buddhism challenged me because I loved it; I found it incredibly appealing and truthful, yet it was startlingly new material that sharply contrasted most everything about the way I conducted myself. I felt like I was a journalist finding evidence that goes completely against the editorial point they’re trying to prove.
When we began studying Buddhism, I became engrossed; I read and re-read all the literature I could find on it. I had been meditating for quite some time before this moment, and supported and lived the Buddhist notions of calm, objective rationality over passionate response, but the Buddhist teaching of detachment struck a new chord inside me. The more I read about Buddhism, the more it completely washed over me; I began to meditate far more, the ups-and-downs of life were replaced with the consistent calm of Buddhism, and I began to feel markedly removed from others around me. The following is an excerpt from an October 19 entry in my personal journal,
I can feel myself becoming more and more detached (in a positive way) from desires… and it feels great! I feel healthy, I feel positive. It’s a calm positivity, not the exuberant, over-the-top energy; it’s a quiet enthusiasm (like one meant exclusively for me), but a strong one nonetheless… I feel suddenly disinterested by many of my friends; I am oddly socially fulfilled by very little. I don’t feel lonely, just about ever. I wonder if others feel I am ignoring them, but I more feel like I have nothing to fear. I am doing nothing wrong, I am hurting no one; that fact, the lack of egoism or pride, brings me joy… It’s saddening. I’m wholly unimpressed with people now. I see how vain their problems really are. I asked Britta today how her day is going, she said ‘meh, because it’s cloudy.’ Cloudy? Your problems are the weather? It’s not even worth an emotional response anymore. I feel outside of society. What’s going on with me? I feel like this isn’t where I want to or should be going; yet it feels so right.
This is how Buddhism challenged me; for a time it became me. Buddhism was sexy; it was like a perfect argument, and I bought it.
After this had gone on for some time, I began to feel discontent, and for a while it was incredibly hard for me to locate its source. I eventually narrowed it down to what image I was portraying outwardly. Talking about Existentialism in my Philosophy class, one day during all this, reminded me of my core value, The Exclamation Point. I began to wonder, in my newly found peaceful and detached state, if my actions were living up to my words—how important it is to love your life, to grab it by the hips and dance a salsa with it! My actions appeared listless and dull; they weren’t embodying the oh-so-important Exclamation Point at all! Something snapped in me, I realized it wasn’t okay merely being content with life, having everything be neutral all the time wasn’t cutting it; I had to love life, even if that meant there was some bad to come with the good stuff too. A Buddhist teaches that the ups-and-downs of life are all in vain—they are meaningless wonders and worries caused by samsara—and it is better to remain flat and level instead. This, to me, represents the true difference between Existentialism and Buddhism.
While both philosophies observe there are both joys and pains in life and support a very individual experience rooted in choice, the two ideologies chiefly diverge over the degree to which each accepts the dynamic world around it. Buddhism sees the pleasures and sufferings of daily life, and urges others to just do away with it all. Buddhism recognizes the transitory and temporary nature of any good feelings (and bad ones as well), and chooses to not participate. If life were a roller coaster, the Buddhist would be the one opting not to ride, and instead be off, quietly getting a snow cone. Existentialism, on the contrary, observes how our lives fly to extreme highs and lows, but urges others to accept that for what it is and love it no matter; that’s life, the very one you’re living, love it or leave it and make a better one. Buddhism chooses to reject the dynamic world, whereas Existentialism teaches to accept and uphold it, always. On that same roller coaster, the Existentialist is the one with their hands in the air, screaming at the top of their lungs and cackling manically. During good times, this is an easy thing to do—simply bask in the euphoria and forget about your problems. During times of strife, Existentialists accept life as well. This fact is best exemplified with a scene from the film Fight Club; when Brad Pitt pours lye on Edward Norton’s hand and it begins to burn and sizzle, Brad Pitt tells him, “Stay with the pain, don’t shut this out… This is your pain, this is your burning hand. It’s right here!” When Edward Norton tries meditating on a peaceful place in order to cope with the pain, Brad Pitt responds, “This is the greatest moment of your life, man, and you’re off somewhere, missing it.” Where Buddhism would elect to retreat from this wild world in order to find meaning, Existentialism holds its ground and finds meaning in all our experiences in life. As the semester finishes, I find I am a fluid being, one who can pick apart new ideas, taking what works for me and incorporating it into my personal philosophy.
